Vulvaland

2001-03-22T21:14:00.000-08:00

Wow, I just realised that the journal I wrote almost a month ago, which I had totally forgotten about, is almost exactly like the one I put up on A Place to Fly a few days ago. That was totally unplanned. Weird.

2001-03-22T21:10:00.000-08:00

Listening To: computer hum, frantic tax form searching rustle
Reading: Anything that looks like it might possibly be my missing T2202 form

I'm in a very weird space right now. I'm worried about money, next year, my sanity, Mom, this summer, my marks. I'm mad at my father. I'm mad at myself. Everything is spilling out again.

Everyone else went out tonight, but I stayed in. I needed some time alone, some quiet. I cleared out my file folder; it was nice, just open and sort, open and sort, nothing that I have to think about or worry about, just something to do. I need to keep myself busy all the time; I think too much when I'm unoccupied.

My roommate asked what was wrong, and I lied and told her nothing. I don't think she believed me, but I don't think I can talk about things with people right now--I'm afraid that what's in my head doesn't make sense. It's sad that the only place I have where I can actually just say what I really think is this little space in a huge network of anoymous people. It's like I want the most true bits of my life to just get lost in the ethers.

2001-02-21T21:01:00.000-08:00

Listening To: Nothing - my head's crazy, I need some silence
Reading: Nothing also, although I should be catching up on reading's for my classes

I ate a lot today. I had ice cream with chocolate sauce, cookies, chicken, mashed potatoes, gravy, kraft dinner, and I'm currently contemplating going to get some popcorn as well. A lot. I'm premenstrual, so that's why. I'm actually pretty okay with my high calorie consumption today, for a change. I'm not really disapointed with myself or anything (well, a little, but not enough to beat myself up over it).

I discovered the other day that I have cellulite. Some days, when I'm a bit bloated, I have a little bit of a tummy. I'm really trying to be okay with these things; most of the time I am, but I still have those moments where I hate my body, just because it's a part of me. Or days - maybe days is a better term than moments.

When my ex broke up with me, he wanted to take me to dinner so we could talk about it and try to start maintaining the friendship. I told him I wasn't hungry; I had lost my appetite the second the words (I can't remember exactly what the words were right now - it comes to me in painful flashes, then recedes again; all I know is that they hurt) were out of his mouth. I didn't get it back for five months, by which time I'd lost about 15 pounds.

People think that eating disorders are caused by people seeing skinny models on billboards. That's partly true - I'd certainly look at a beautiful model and wish I could be as pretty (read: thin) as she was - but it's not the whole story. I wasn't really trying to look like a celebrity or a model, or fit some bizarre societal view of beauty. I was trying to control something in my life, to punish myself, to make myself disappear. It was this bizarre symphony of unhealthy thoughts - "I might be a bad girlfriend, but damn if I can't be good at being skinny" and "I don't deserve to eat. I don't deserve chocolate." and "Maybe if I get sick he'll come back" and "I'll show him - if I die, he'll regret ever breaking up with me" and "Maybe if I get small enough, I can just be gone. I want out of here" all wrapped up into one tangle that left me walking around like a dead person, literally feeling myself lose my mind.

I don't know how it ended. I think an email from my father, who doesn't really notice such things, prompted a change. Finally realising that he wasn't coming back, no matter what I did, spurred it along too. I don't think he even knows how much he hurt me - we never really talked about it, him out of guilt and a wish to move on, me out of fear of what he would say and the thought that I could lose his friendship too. It frightens me to look back and see how close I came to falling off an edge - I managed to pull myself up just in time, but it could have turned into something much worse. I can't imagine worse - it was bad enough as it was. Now I'm okay mostly, but just drained. I feel like I lost six months of my life - the entire summer and first semester are a blur - and now I don't know which track to get back onto. I don't know where I'm going right now; I don't know where I want to go.

It's been almost nine months since anyone's even kissed me. I just wanted to feel loved again, even if I wasn't in the first place.

2001-02-20T20:06:00.000-08:00

Listening To: Twilight Singers - "The Twilite Kid"
Reading: Sims message boards, giant loser that I am

Okay, since I obviously rather like the Twilight Singers, based on the beginnings of my last few entries, I'm just gonna plug them here. Greg Dulli of the now-defunct Afghan Whigs is the lead singer, and they've got this soul-jazz-blues sound, but it still manages to be something completely different. Plus, Dulli has the best voice ever - the man croons, people. I'm sick of silly screaming boys - I want to listen to a sexy voice for a change. "King Only", "The Twilite Kid", "Twilight", and "Black Love" are the best breakup songs ever (well, and Sleater-Kinney's "Good Things", but I digress). Oh, and "Railroad Lullabye", "Annie Mae", and "Clyde" are probably the sexiest songs I've ever heard.

Anyway. I'll end my little plug now, and get into the regularly scheduled whining session ;)

I had another good day today, which is a pleasant surprise (they don't often come two in a row lately). Chris and I went to Jack Astor's and had a delicous lunch. Then we hung out at the mall for a bit, which was fun; I actually hardly spent any money, so I'm pretty proud of myself about that as well. Later on we caught "Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon", which I really liked - it was extremely well done, and looked absolutely beautiful. Then I came home and watched a bit of TV and had a bath. All in all, another good day. I'm hoping this streak continues, although I have a feeling it'll end when school begins again. I'm trying to remain optimistic about things though; I just don't want to get my hopes up too much in case I get disapointed again.

Okay, so that was not so much whining after all - also good :) I think I'm overusing that word a little, but I can think of worse ones to overuse, so I'll just leave it at that.

2001-02-19T20:21:00.000-08:00

Listening To: Twilight Singers - "Twilight"
Reading: Nothing

"When darkness falls on summer's end/and in your abscence I shall begin....goodbye sugar"

Today was a pretty good day. I went to work and got to see Anne Marie, who told me that she's going to be a grandmother - I'm so excited for her! She'll be a wonderful grandmother. I was also really touched that she told me - she's only told one other person at work. I think her news made my entire day; it even made working with evil employee more bearable.

The new red hair is good - it's not as bright as I might have liked, and no one at work really noticed the difference, but I know it's there. It's like a little suprise every time I look in the mirror, because I'm not used to having it yet. Maybe next time I'll make it brighter - baby steps, baby steps.

Tomorrow should be good - I'm meeting a friend for some shopping and mall-going; we might see a movie as well. I've been craving Jack Astor's garlic bread lately, and I don't get to see Chris nearly often enough, so I'm really looking forward to it.

I'm good good good good good. I hope this lasts (I need this to last).

"Everything's gonna be alright"

2001-02-18T17:59:00.000-08:00

Listening To: Eels - "Rags to Rags" and "Climbing to the Moon"
Reading: Cooking tips (it's time for an eating-habits change)

"Rags to rags and rust to rust/How do you stand when you've been crushed?"

My hair is red now; I just finished colouring it in my bathroom, so there's purple splothches of dye on my bathroom floor. I'll have to do something about that later. I'm going to blow-dry my hair soon, so I'll see what it really looks like. I hope it's a rich, deep red - not extreme enough to piss off my employees, but fun enough to make me smile when I look in the mirror, because I need a change in my appearance, and I can't change myself by losing weight anymore - it's too unhealthy.

It's funny how I've gone from trying to make myself disapear by starving myself, to dying my hair a bright colour, which will probably get at least a few people to notice me. I'm sick of being invisible.

My head feels clearer now than it has in weeks. This is all I need right now - a computer, book or magazine to occupy myself, and some good music to sing along too. Simplicity is pretty nice.

"Got my foot on the ladder and I'm/climbing up to the moon"

2001-02-18T06:49:00.000-08:00

Listening To: Liz Phair - "Polyester Bride"
Reading: Flare magazine (yeah, I'm deep)

"You're lucky to even know me/You're lucky to be alive/You're lucky to be drinking here for free/cause I'm a sucker for your lucky pretty eyes"

It's spring break, and all of my roommates are gone home for the week (well, one's still here, but she spends all day on the phone so I might as well be here alone). It's strange - I always thought it was really quiet at our place, given that there are six people living here, but now that I'm the only one around making noise I realise that I miss the little noises that my roommates make - the ICQ "uh oh"'s , typing noises, TV noises, walking noises, desk chair rolling along the floor noises. It's too silent here - I'm starting to become a little paranoid. At least I have the guinea pig clicking and nattering to break the silence once in a while.

At the same time as the silence bothers me, I also like it. I think I needed this break from everything - my head is starting to feel a little less jumbled, my laziness has lessened, and I'm in a better mood. I have a lot more clarity now than I did a week ago. I just hope it lasts long enough to allow me to get some work done during my "vacation" (hah!).

"Do you wanna be a polyester bride?/Do you wanna hang your head and die?/Do you wanna find alligator cowboy boots they just put on sale?/Do you wanna flap your wings and fly/away from here?"

2001-02-08T20:55:00.000-08:00

Listening To: Twilight Singers and Travis
Reading: Fametracker posts

"you're driftwood floating underwater/breaking into pieces, pieces, pieces/just driftwood hollow and of no use/waterfalls will find you, bind you, grind you/...so i'm sorry that you turned into driftwood/but you've been drifting for a long, long time"

I'm in such a horrible mood lately. I just feel like I'm about to snap at almost everybody, and I'm taking any little thing anyone says in completely the wrong way. I am, as my roommate puts it, an anger ball. Maybe a depression ball too, who knows. I don't want to do anything, I don't want to go anywhere, I just want to sit here and miss the person I was a year ago, and the things I had then. Every day that passes reminds me that I was much happier on this day a year ago.

I feel like I'm letting everyone down by feeling like this. I'm supposed to be the happy, nice one and I just feel like a miserable bitch. I don't even know what I'm doing here. It was so stupid of me to think that I should try for anything new, because I just keep failing at all of it. Everything I'm doing is a complete waste of time.

"baby/save me/either way i'll be your baby/cause you don't have to tell me so/i need to know/that you don't love me anymore"

2001-02-05T15:53:00.000-08:00

Listening To: Sade, "By Your Side"
Reading: Summer course descriptions

I think I actually know what I want to do this summer now - I want to do another summer course. Last year it was a disater, but that was because I was miserable, and it was distance so I couldn't get motivated, and it left me stuck in the house all the time by myself. Besides, it was pretty boring. This one is contemporary media, and I'd actually get to learn how to do things and aquire some skills. I want to take it really badly. I'm just worried about the financial aspects of it now.

I had all of these things in my head that I was going to write about, and now they've flown out.

2001-02-04T16:10:00.000-08:00

Listening To: Sarah Harmer, again ("Basement Apartment")
Reading: Silly girly magazine

"The furnace is burning, but it's still cold I think"

I went out last night, to the charity ball my university put on. I had fun - it wasn't mindblowingly spectacular fabulous, but it was nice to get dressed up and go out with friends and take pictures and dance. I spend too many nights (like this one) sitting at home by myself in my pajamas, so I'm glad I went out for a change.

I ended up talking to Adam from class for a while. Everytime I talk to him I like him more and more, but I'm still convinced there's zero interest on his side. I don't have the guts to try to find out, either, so I guess I'll just have to wait and see. My problem is that I'll wait too long, until any interest there may have been has disapeared completely because I let it go too long. I feel like I'm in this weird place between being able to like someone else and still wanting the one I had in the past. Staying backwards isn't a viable or healthy option, but going forward is scary. I'm at such a standstill; I'm just sitting here stagnating, not knowing how to propell myself forward and not wanting to let go of what was, because that'll mean that it's really and truly over.

"I can smell the bleach that they use in the hall, but it can't clean the dirt off of me"

I'm starting to wonder why I'm like this, why I do this to myself all the time. I don't enjoy being depressed or miserable. I want to change things. At this point it's almost as if I won't let myself change, like I'm afraid of what it'll bring. Maybe changing will make things even worse - the possibility that it'll make things a trillion times better doesn't seem to matter at all to me. I feel like I'm inherantly flawed; I must be to be doing this to myself still, after all this time.

"It's starting to hurt everytime I breathe, everytime I try to leave"

I need to get out of London. I need to go somewhere where nobody knows me and just remove myself from things for a while, go somewhere where my head can be clear and I can think about things a bit. It's hard to get some perspective on my situation when I'm stuck in the middle of it. However, it looks like I won't be out of this city until July - the thought of spending more months here without escape is driving me crazy already.

"I gotta wash the sheets on my bed, I gotta watch those things that I said"

I'm so lazy most of the time now, which really disgusts me. I don't have the energy to change the things about my life that I hate, even the little things like making my bed or cleaning off my desk. I feel exhausted. I think that after months of feeling miserable and tired and depressed, I'm worn out. I'm not as depressed anymore, but I haven't really fixed everything either.

I don't like transition periods.

"There's nothing like watching TV all night underground"

Last night I was thinking that I would go out, but now I think I'll just stay inside and watch TV and try to clear out my head a bit. I have a long day tomorrow - I don't want to do a thing tonight. I just want to have a bath and enjoy not having to do anything for a bit.

"No one is watching me slide below street level barely alive"

I don't think I even show up on people's radar screens most of the time. Last night I was in a crowd of hundreds of people, and I felt invisible. Sometimes it can be incredibly powerful to feel that way, like you can just really truly be yourself because nobody's watching, after all; last night I just felt like the people who I wanted to be visible too couldn't really see me at all.

2001-01-31T20:35:00.000-08:00

Reading: Vogue, for an assignment (don't ask)
Listening To: Sarah Harmer - You Were Here

It seems to me that everyone I see is prettier, smarter, sexier, funnier, and more together and sure of themselves and their lives than I am. I'm not sure if this is a reality, or just my imagination playing that self-hate game on me again. I hate the self-hate, but I'm not sure how to make it go away. I want to make it go away, dammit. When I was younger (and, clearly, stupider) I thought that there was some glory in misery - that being depressed somehow made you a deeper person with a greater capability to gather insight from situations. I don't think that anymore - I just want to be happy now. I don't like to struggle. I don't care if I never write another crappy poem or lose another pound if it means that I don't have to cry myself to sleep anymore. I'm just so worn out from fighting all of this self-hatred I seem to have aquired; I want things to be easier for once.

2001-01-25T20:57:00.000-08:00

Reading: Nothing
Listening To: Nothing (aren't I interesting?)

Why can't I just get over it? I was doing better. I was doing well, even. I've gained weight, I'm happier, I'm doing better in my classes, I'm not exhausted and weepy and depressed all the time. I thought New Year's Eve was a turning point - I spent the entire night crying because I was lonely and by myself, and torturing myself by remember how good I had it last year at the same time. It seemed, though, that something in me righted itself - I think I got some things out that I'd needed to get rid of for a long time. I felt better, finally, like maybe I was finally okay again.

Now, I'm crying every day again. I haven't done that for months. It's not the ripyourgutsout sobbing that I did all summer, but it's still crying nonetheless. I don't know what happened to make me like this again, but something did, and I can't figure out what it is. I think it's this constant fear I have that I'll run into him unexpectedly, looking and feeling awful, and when he walks away he'll think, "Wow, I'm glad I dumped her." Or maybe it's that I'm afraid I'll never find anyone else, or that no one will fall in love with me ever again (maybe he didn't fall in love with me either). It's not very encouraging when I actually do have some interest in someone new, and they lack interest in me completely. I don't know how to change things - I've tried. Nothing has stuck so far - I keep avoiding having to spend time with him, as much as I want to, because I know it'll just make me feel bad again.

The thing is, I'm sick of this. I'm sick of wallowing in self pity. I'm sick of being miserable. I'm sick of being this pathetic person that I've become. I'm sick of missing him. I'm sick of loving him. I'm sick of all of this, but I'm not sure what to do to change any of it. Maybe time really is the only cure - that's the only thing that's worked so far. Wait and see, I guess.

2000-12-19T18:38:00.000-08:00

Reading: Recipies...hmmm :), Mar's ICQs
Listening To: Afghan Whigs (Greg Dulli is my new boyfriend, mmhmm)

Well, it's been a while :) Mar actually restored my faith that someone besides me reads this, so I decided to update a bit, not that I've got a lot to say. Not much has happened since then, really. I'm trying to focus on what's gonna happen next term - a new start. I don't know if that's just me fooling myself, but I'll stick with the delusions for a while either way.

I just need to get away from here for once. I need to go somewhere where nothing reminds me of the horrible summer I spent here, or the trouble I've had since I got here. I wish I could just go somewhere complely different for once, where I don't know anyone and they don't know me, and they don't have any preconcieved notions about me or my life. I did it when I came to London, but I'm only semi-happy about the results of that right now.

I need to meet more people. I need to get involved with other things, go out more, have more fun, not take things to seriously. I need to stop being so hard on myself.

I need to stop whining, that's what I need to do :)

I just want to put on my satin pants and my Beyonce shirt and party and not care for a while. Let's see if New Years brings me the opportunity to do that.

2000-11-13T20:58:00.000-08:00

Reading: Recipes
Listening To: Gimputer hum

I don't know what the fuck is wrong with me. I seem happy, I can act happy, then I find myself crying for no reason. I haven't gotten things straightened out with school yet. I hate this, I hate everything. Why do I keep kicking myself in the ass? Why do I even bother with this stupid thing? No one reads them but me.

2000-11-09T08:21:00.000-08:00

Reading: Turkey cooking instructions and emails that I haven't replied to yet
Listening To: Nothing, just a song in my head

I'm starting to get scared that everything is going to blow up in my face. I need to get this stuff with school straightened out. I need to go to all of my classes from now on. I need to help myself start to feel better. I'm going to fail courses, I'm going to lose honours, I'm going to be miserable and alone for the rest of my life. I hate this, I hate fucking up all the time. Why can't I do anything right anymore?

2000-11-06T18:22:00.000-08:00

Reading: My introduction for my Film essay
Listening To: Michael Penn

I miss home today. It's my little brother's birthday, and I wish I could be there. I should stop bitching about it, since I knew that things would be this way when I moved here, but it's still hard to be here and have him there and have to hear about everything that happened over the phone, instead of being there. And it'll always be this way too - I'm never moving back home, so I'll probably never be there on his birthday.

*****

Tomorrow is what would have been 1 year with B. I don't even know how I'll feel then, it's weird. I can't believe it's been a whole year since then. It seems like forever, but also no time at all, if that makes any sense. Nothing makes sense anymore, so I wouldn't be surprised if that didn't either.

******

I wrote something for M for Gurlpinions today, and it was nice to feel like I accomplished something for once. I'm not sure how good it is, but it seemed okay anyway. I really want to start writing more often, and to submit more stuff to sites. I actually had a pretty productive day today - wrote, cleaned, actually started working on my assignment for Film. We'll see if it keeps up, I guess.

2000-11-04T20:37:00.000-08:00

Reading: ICQ messages
Listening To: Random songs on my Winamp playlist

Today was a pretty good day. We went to the mall and spent the afternoon there, which was a nice distraction. Poverty prevented me from getting anything besides some old Halloween candy, but I still enjoyed it. I don't know what weird thing it is that makes me feel like I need things to be happy, but I digress.

Afterwards we went to dinner with K, L and C, which was nice. We went to the same restaurant that B and I went on our first date, and several times afterwards, but it was okay. Uncomfortable and sad, but okay. I'm okay. I still miss him so much it floors me sometimes, and I still love him, but I'm okay.

2000-11-03T12:30:00.000-08:00

Reading: Sims skinning tutorial
Listening To: Nelly Furtado - Whoa Nelly!

So I skipped class again today, surprise surprise. I actually didn't intend to skip it, but I slept in. It's no excuse, but I can try I guess. I really need to try to get to the library this weekend and catch up on some reading, not to mention start working on my projects for film. I can't believe it's November already. Things are really going to start piling up soon.

*****

So it looks like tomorrow I'll be going to East Side Mario's. I haven't been back there since me and B broke, so I don't know how that's going to feel. But we're going w/ friends, so maybe I'll create new memories. I need to not have B be the last person I did things with, I need to move on and over. I'm working on it, that's all I can promise.

*****

I feel so frustrated, like I'm doing nothing and going nowhere w/ my life. I need some direction, I need some motivation.

2000-10-31T05:35:00.000-08:00

Reading: Nothing
Listening To: Again, nothing

I'm so fucking tired. Why do I do this? Why do I stay up so late, when I know I have to get up at 8:00 the next morning? Maybe I'm just a sucker for punishment, I don't know.

I really can't wait until I get this midterm over with, because then I won't have anything due until my small response paper next Friday. I need to spend more time at the library reading, and do some more writing, and clean my room. I never seem to do anything, but I always feel like I don't have enough time for everything I want.

*

I don't really know what to think as far as things w/ L are. I'm about 110% sure he's got no interest, and while I'm not surprised I am still a bit disapointed. I'm not even sure why I'm interested in him, and this weekend is making me second-guess whether I should be interested in him at all. I think maybe it's just a rebound thing - I want someone to think I'm worth going out with, to like me. So far, I don't think anyone does, and it's certainly not helping my self-esteem much.

2000-10-30T19:45:00.000-08:00

Reading: Film 270F Notes for my midterm tomorrow

Listening To: Nothing

Well, this is basically just a test blog (heh - what a funny word) to see how this thing works. I don't really have time to actually write something decent, so this is pretty short.